The REAL Knowledge About Life

Girl explaining to friend: I don't know enough about real life but I know a lot about things that don't exist.

Pssh, Who Needs Pants?

Track coach: Nice socks.
Athlete: Thanks...
Track coach: Yeah, argyle is great. I love argyle! I have argyle socks that come up to here (points at halfway up his leg).
Athlete: Ha ha. Ha..
Track coach: I was wearing them at the commencement dinner! But you couldnt see them of course. Because i had pants on. (pause). I wear pants.

How About The Ozone Layer?

Short loud man: Heyyyaa, humma boy, how's the hummer?
Bigish, fatish quiet man: (something unintelligable)
Short loud man: Weeeelll, ya know, those things are huge! You can get abou' four foot wide wheels for 'em!
Bigish, fatish quiet man, accusingly: those kill the little animals.

They Start Earlier And Earlier

Pre-teen girl: Mo-om, I've got white stuff on my crotch!!!

Whats The Punch Line?

Small hyper boy to dad: What would happen if you attached a rotex 4,000 engine to a motorscooter?

And you know this how?

Morbidly obese woman, upon boarding a bus: It smells like an opium den up in here.*walks off bus*

You Should Try Them The Way My Grandma Cooks Them

Annoying little boy # 1: Can I eat your eyeballs? Can I eat your eyeball?
Annoying little boy # 2: Blehhhhhgggg, eeew
Annoying little boy # 1, seriously: Duuude, don't be that way, it tastes perfectly fine!

Baby Oh Baby

Random woman: "What'choo actin' all dead for?"
*shakes baby*

That's My Dog!

Serious faced girl to friend: I told you about how my dog humps things, right?

Scintillating.

Girl #1: Have you seen donnie darko?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: (pause) Me neither.