Happy Thanksgiving!

large woman at thanksgiving dinner (red face. too much wine): my father was a strange bastard. one time, he was so tired of these dogs running and shitting on his lawn that he collected all of the dog shit in a huge bag, then rang the doorbell of the lady who owned the dogs, and with a straight face handed the bag to her, saying "i believe this is yours".

Zombie Time

History Teacher prompting student to answer inane history question: "Go ahead, guess."

Student: "Uhm, Hamilton?"

Teacher after sighing: "No. *pause*...Wait, he's dead!"