The REAL Knowledge About Life

Girl explaining to friend: I don't know enough about real life but I know a lot about things that don't exist.

Pssh, Who Needs Pants?

Track coach: Nice socks.
Athlete: Thanks...
Track coach: Yeah, argyle is great. I love argyle! I have argyle socks that come up to here (points at halfway up his leg).
Athlete: Ha ha. Ha..
Track coach: I was wearing them at the commencement dinner! But you couldnt see them of course. Because i had pants on. (pause). I wear pants.

How About The Ozone Layer?

Short loud man: Heyyyaa, humma boy, how's the hummer?
Bigish, fatish quiet man: (something unintelligable)
Short loud man: Weeeelll, ya know, those things are huge! You can get abou' four foot wide wheels for 'em!
Bigish, fatish quiet man, accusingly: those kill the little animals.

They Start Earlier And Earlier

Pre-teen girl: Mo-om, I've got white stuff on my crotch!!!

Whats The Punch Line?

Small hyper boy to dad: What would happen if you attached a rotex 4,000 engine to a motorscooter?

And you know this how?

Morbidly obese woman, upon boarding a bus: It smells like an opium den up in here.*walks off bus*

You Should Try Them The Way My Grandma Cooks Them

Annoying little boy # 1: Can I eat your eyeballs? Can I eat your eyeball?
Annoying little boy # 2: Blehhhhhgggg, eeew
Annoying little boy # 1, seriously: Duuude, don't be that way, it tastes perfectly fine!

Baby Oh Baby

Random woman: "What'choo actin' all dead for?"
*shakes baby*

That's My Dog!

Serious faced girl to friend: I told you about how my dog humps things, right?

Scintillating.

Girl #1: Have you seen donnie darko?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: (pause) Me neither.

Get Me Off This Train Right Now

Angry 30-something woman into phone: Bitch! Don't you dare fucking touch my children or I will fucking kill you! (pauses to listen to response). What are you going to do, track him down to Paris and kill his dead body? He wasnt attracted to you, honey, end of the fucking story!

Wouldn't a grounding suffice?

Girl #1: Ooh that art show looks bomb yo

Girl #2, walking ahead of her, frantic: If we don't get home soon my mom's gonna bomb my FACE.

Those Wild Tea Parties

Random girl: Whenever I have a party, she calls and is like "Will there be boys? Will there be alcohol? Will there be drugs? Are your parents going to be there?" and I'm like "Klarissa*, it's a TEA PARTY".

No Habla Ingles

Random girl: It's so fun to talk like you don't know English!

They Are Being Hunted Into Extinction Everywhere

Writing teacher: We don't have many sisters [nuns] left in the country.  So Sister Elizabeth* is kind of the last of a breed.  She's like a rare bird.

Because Jesus Was The Original Rebel

40-something woman: My parents were so liberal that to rebel in high school, I became a born-again christian.

Give The Pathetic Man a HUG

Slightly sad girl: He's an asshole nazi officer but it's like YOU PATHETIC MAN WITH POINTY TEETH!

Some More Jerks

Bored girl: Are you guys done with this jerking?

Indignant girl: No, I'm not done jerking! Never!

That's What Thursday Said

Awkward girl: He's pseudo-sexy, you know?

Teen girl to friend: Don't worry! I'll come over and play with you all you want!

Mind Powers Of The Future

Perfectly normal-looking girl: He was riding one of those segway things. You know, those little scooters that you control with your mind...

Not Stalls.

Kind of weird girl talking really fast: I like bathroom cubicles!

The HOEdown Throwdown

Girl 1: It's called jerking.

Girl 2: I can't jerk!

Now Let's Hear Your Thoughts on Eminem

Mother, to daughter: Marky-mark doesn't know how to be a white boy. He's trying so hard. White boy is a frame of mind.

Because You're That Pressed For Somewhere To Stay

Annoying Barista Girl #1: So I told her 'Hey, we can live together, but not with your boyfriend too.' That's just awkward, I don't want to live with him!
Annoying Barista Girl #2: haha I KNOW! So what'd she do?
Annoying Barista Girl #1: She dumped him.

That's What Peet's Said.

Annoying Barista Girl: We're gonna be in the back room doing super secret magic stuff - so don't you come!

Your Face Is Really Intelligent...

Hyper Barista Girl: My friend and I totally ended up accidentally complimenting each other last night!
Bored Barista Boy: Really.
Hyper Barista Girl: Yeah hahaha - we were all like 'your face is cool.'

We Aren't Interferring, We're Just Concerned

Business woman in a classy cafe # 1: So have you noticed anything about Karen and Michael?
Business woman in a classy cafe # 2: Yes, those two are always flirting and teasing! And they go get lunch all the time, so she can 'take notes' for him.
Business woman # 1: Oh, I know! But when her husband's around, it's a completely different story! They act like they don't know each other!
(both laugh their heads off)
Business woman # 2: *pause* So, are we going to tell her husband, or what?