From Sea To Shining Sea

Sheltered student: "Well then why does everyone want to live in the United States?"
Disgruntled classmate: "Not EVERYONE wants to live here."

Keeping It Real

Freshmen#1 : I hate knock offs.
Freshmen#2 : Me too.
Freshmen #1 : Especially of things that should NEVER be knocked off. Like Snuggies.

Have Faith! God Works Miracles!

Snarky Teacher: So the quarter grades will be available next monday..
Student: *gasps, crosses herself, and puts her hands together looking at the ceiling*
Snarky Teacher: They're already printed. Praying won't help anything.

Realisticly

Giggling Blonde: I feel SO high right now.

Patronizing Friend: If you were high, I wouldn't be here.

Jurassic Park Catholicism

Girl 1: *squinting at piece of paper* What's that?

Girl 2: It's Raptor Jesus.

Girl 1: Who?

Girl 2: Raptor Jesus. He went extinct for our sins!

Girl 1: Oh. Who's that next to him?

Girl 2: The Pope.

Give and Take

Girl Discussing European Affects on Native Americans: They gave us syphilis. We gave them herpes. Sorry.

I Swear It's A Condition

Big Eyed Girl To Humoring Friend: No, seriously. Today I convinced Shelly* that I had a chronic illness called 'lateitis.'

humoring Friend: What's that?

Big Eyed Girl: It affects a part of my brain so that I have trouble regulating time and that's why I'm always late to class. *maniacal laughter* She believed every word!

To Each Her Own

Tall Teen to Short Friend: Yes, and you'll be advertising that you're into all types of incest!

Spinoza Would Be Proud

boy, to friends: I bet I'm funnier than both of you!
friend #1: hah! No way. We're Jews; we invented comedy.
friend #2; Yeah, we were the first stand-up comedians - stand-up philosophers!

- high school library

Happy Thanksgiving!

large woman at thanksgiving dinner (red face. too much wine): my father was a strange bastard. one time, he was so tired of these dogs running and shitting on his lawn that he collected all of the dog shit in a huge bag, then rang the doorbell of the lady who owned the dogs, and with a straight face handed the bag to her, saying "i believe this is yours".

Zombie Time

History Teacher prompting student to answer inane history question: "Go ahead, guess."

Student: "Uhm, Hamilton?"

Teacher after sighing: "No. *pause*...Wait, he's dead!"

The Billy Mays Conspiracy Uncovered

Boy [to classmate]: It's like a Sham-Wow. But without the wow. So it's just a sham!

- Chemistry class

I Wish I Had This Power Over People

irritated schoolgirl: Ughh, everyday Susan* kills another part of my mind.

*name changed for protection

Conceited Divas

indifferent blonde to friend: I'm sorry. I'm probably not paying attention, I'm so self-absorbed.

Does Anyone Use 'Snockered' At All?

Old guy #1: *Bill, I'm snockered.
Old guy #2: Is that a good thing, *Tom?
Old guy #1: (pause) YES!

I Dont Even Know What To Say.

Girl #1: I'd fuck harry potter
Girl #2: Yea.
Girl #1: Hell, I'd fuck Ron too!
Girl #2: Mhhmm.
Girl #1: Screw it, you can have them. I wanna do Hermione!

Bitch, Get Me A Butterbeer

(Midnight Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince showing.Tthe movie is running late, everyone in the theatre is getting restless.)
Girl in costume #1 (points her wand at random girl in costume a couple rows down) : EXPECTO PATRONUS!
Girl in costume #2 (retaliates): CRUCIO!
Girl #1: WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
Girl #2: IMPERIUS!
Girl #1: EXPELLIARMUS (girl #2 accidentally drops her wand)
Guy friend of girl #1, with satisfaction: You dropped your wand, BITCH!

Look Behind You!

Random crazy dude (whispering alone to himself): Watch out for dementors. *watch out watch out what out expecto patronum expectro patronum*

Fine. The Most Gender Confused Gets To Sit In The Middle

Annoying girl: The most beautifullest girl gets to sit in the middle! And that's me! hahaha
Sarcastic guy: Oh, you still think you're a girl? that's cute. Not.

Take Turns, People, Take Turns

Teen guy to two teen girls: Whoa, slow down guys, you can't both do me at the same time.

The Highlight Of My Life, To Be Sure

Scene girl (nostalgically): I wish I could be hazed. I mean, its a one time thing! You'll never get to feel like that again!

Didn't We All

Man sitting in a cafe :(conversationally) During my teen years I matured as both a man and a woman.

overheard by: saffrangrowild

The REAL Knowledge About Life

Girl explaining to friend: I don't know enough about real life but I know a lot about things that don't exist.

Pssh, Who Needs Pants?

Track coach: Nice socks.
Athlete: Thanks...
Track coach: Yeah, argyle is great. I love argyle! I have argyle socks that come up to here (points at halfway up his leg).
Athlete: Ha ha. Ha..
Track coach: I was wearing them at the commencement dinner! But you couldnt see them of course. Because i had pants on. (pause). I wear pants.

How About The Ozone Layer?

Short loud man: Heyyyaa, humma boy, how's the hummer?
Bigish, fatish quiet man: (something unintelligable)
Short loud man: Weeeelll, ya know, those things are huge! You can get abou' four foot wide wheels for 'em!
Bigish, fatish quiet man, accusingly: those kill the little animals.

They Start Earlier And Earlier

Pre-teen girl: Mo-om, I've got white stuff on my crotch!!!

Whats The Punch Line?

Small hyper boy to dad: What would happen if you attached a rotex 4,000 engine to a motorscooter?

And you know this how?

Morbidly obese woman, upon boarding a bus: It smells like an opium den up in here.*walks off bus*

You Should Try Them The Way My Grandma Cooks Them

Annoying little boy # 1: Can I eat your eyeballs? Can I eat your eyeball?
Annoying little boy # 2: Blehhhhhgggg, eeew
Annoying little boy # 1, seriously: Duuude, don't be that way, it tastes perfectly fine!

Baby Oh Baby

Random woman: "What'choo actin' all dead for?"
*shakes baby*

That's My Dog!

Serious faced girl to friend: I told you about how my dog humps things, right?

Scintillating.

Girl #1: Have you seen donnie darko?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: (pause) Me neither.

Get Me Off This Train Right Now

Angry 30-something woman into phone: Bitch! Don't you dare fucking touch my children or I will fucking kill you! (pauses to listen to response). What are you going to do, track him down to Paris and kill his dead body? He wasnt attracted to you, honey, end of the fucking story!

Wouldn't a grounding suffice?

Girl #1: Ooh that art show looks bomb yo

Girl #2, walking ahead of her, frantic: If we don't get home soon my mom's gonna bomb my FACE.

Those Wild Tea Parties

Random girl: Whenever I have a party, she calls and is like "Will there be boys? Will there be alcohol? Will there be drugs? Are your parents going to be there?" and I'm like "Klarissa*, it's a TEA PARTY".

No Habla Ingles

Random girl: It's so fun to talk like you don't know English!

They Are Being Hunted Into Extinction Everywhere

Writing teacher: We don't have many sisters [nuns] left in the country.  So Sister Elizabeth* is kind of the last of a breed.  She's like a rare bird.

Because Jesus Was The Original Rebel

40-something woman: My parents were so liberal that to rebel in high school, I became a born-again christian.

Give The Pathetic Man a HUG

Slightly sad girl: He's an asshole nazi officer but it's like YOU PATHETIC MAN WITH POINTY TEETH!

Some More Jerks

Bored girl: Are you guys done with this jerking?

Indignant girl: No, I'm not done jerking! Never!

That's What Thursday Said

Awkward girl: He's pseudo-sexy, you know?

Teen girl to friend: Don't worry! I'll come over and play with you all you want!

Mind Powers Of The Future

Perfectly normal-looking girl: He was riding one of those segway things. You know, those little scooters that you control with your mind...

Not Stalls.

Kind of weird girl talking really fast: I like bathroom cubicles!

The HOEdown Throwdown

Girl 1: It's called jerking.

Girl 2: I can't jerk!

Now Let's Hear Your Thoughts on Eminem

Mother, to daughter: Marky-mark doesn't know how to be a white boy. He's trying so hard. White boy is a frame of mind.

Because You're That Pressed For Somewhere To Stay

Annoying Barista Girl #1: So I told her 'Hey, we can live together, but not with your boyfriend too.' That's just awkward, I don't want to live with him!
Annoying Barista Girl #2: haha I KNOW! So what'd she do?
Annoying Barista Girl #1: She dumped him.

That's What Peet's Said.

Annoying Barista Girl: We're gonna be in the back room doing super secret magic stuff - so don't you come!

Your Face Is Really Intelligent...

Hyper Barista Girl: My friend and I totally ended up accidentally complimenting each other last night!
Bored Barista Boy: Really.
Hyper Barista Girl: Yeah hahaha - we were all like 'your face is cool.'

We Aren't Interferring, We're Just Concerned

Business woman in a classy cafe # 1: So have you noticed anything about Karen and Michael?
Business woman in a classy cafe # 2: Yes, those two are always flirting and teasing! And they go get lunch all the time, so she can 'take notes' for him.
Business woman # 1: Oh, I know! But when her husband's around, it's a completely different story! They act like they don't know each other!
(both laugh their heads off)
Business woman # 2: *pause* So, are we going to tell her husband, or what?

We Do It Every Saturday

Writing teacher to class: You're young and you won't get arrested.

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In the tradition of Overheard In New York, this blog is for all the funny/sad/interesting things heard around Pasadena. If you have a quote you'd like to submit, just send us a message. We'll try to update at least once a week.