Jurassic Park Catholicism

Girl 1: *squinting at piece of paper* What's that?

Girl 2: It's Raptor Jesus.

Girl 1: Who?

Girl 2: Raptor Jesus. He went extinct for our sins!

Girl 1: Oh. Who's that next to him?

Girl 2: The Pope.

Give and Take

Girl Discussing European Affects on Native Americans: They gave us syphilis. We gave them herpes. Sorry.

I Swear It's A Condition

Big Eyed Girl To Humoring Friend: No, seriously. Today I convinced Shelly* that I had a chronic illness called 'lateitis.'

humoring Friend: What's that?

Big Eyed Girl: It affects a part of my brain so that I have trouble regulating time and that's why I'm always late to class. *maniacal laughter* She believed every word!

To Each Her Own

Tall Teen to Short Friend: Yes, and you'll be advertising that you're into all types of incest!

Spinoza Would Be Proud

boy, to friends: I bet I'm funnier than both of you!
friend #1: hah! No way. We're Jews; we invented comedy.
friend #2; Yeah, we were the first stand-up comedians - stand-up philosophers!

- high school library

Happy Thanksgiving!

large woman at thanksgiving dinner (red face. too much wine): my father was a strange bastard. one time, he was so tired of these dogs running and shitting on his lawn that he collected all of the dog shit in a huge bag, then rang the doorbell of the lady who owned the dogs, and with a straight face handed the bag to her, saying "i believe this is yours".

Zombie Time

History Teacher prompting student to answer inane history question: "Go ahead, guess."

Student: "Uhm, Hamilton?"

Teacher after sighing: "No. *pause*...Wait, he's dead!"

The Billy Mays Conspiracy Uncovered

Boy [to classmate]: It's like a Sham-Wow. But without the wow. So it's just a sham!

- Chemistry class

I Wish I Had This Power Over People

irritated schoolgirl: Ughh, everyday Susan* kills another part of my mind.

*name changed for protection

Conceited Divas

indifferent blonde to friend: I'm sorry. I'm probably not paying attention, I'm so self-absorbed.