Happy Thanksgiving!

large woman at thanksgiving dinner (red face. too much wine): my father was a strange bastard. one time, he was so tired of these dogs running and shitting on his lawn that he collected all of the dog shit in a huge bag, then rang the doorbell of the lady who owned the dogs, and with a straight face handed the bag to her, saying "i believe this is yours".

Zombie Time

History Teacher prompting student to answer inane history question: "Go ahead, guess."

Student: "Uhm, Hamilton?"

Teacher after sighing: "No. *pause*...Wait, he's dead!"

The Billy Mays Conspiracy Uncovered

Boy [to classmate]: It's like a Sham-Wow. But without the wow. So it's just a sham!

- Chemistry class

I Wish I Had This Power Over People

irritated schoolgirl: Ughh, everyday Susan* kills another part of my mind.

*name changed for protection

Conceited Divas

indifferent blonde to friend: I'm sorry. I'm probably not paying attention, I'm so self-absorbed.

Does Anyone Use 'Snockered' At All?

Old guy #1: *Bill, I'm snockered.
Old guy #2: Is that a good thing, *Tom?
Old guy #1: (pause) YES!

I Dont Even Know What To Say.

Girl #1: I'd fuck harry potter
Girl #2: Yea.
Girl #1: Hell, I'd fuck Ron too!
Girl #2: Mhhmm.
Girl #1: Screw it, you can have them. I wanna do Hermione!

Bitch, Get Me A Butterbeer

(Midnight Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince showing.Tthe movie is running late, everyone in the theatre is getting restless.)
Girl in costume #1 (points her wand at random girl in costume a couple rows down) : EXPECTO PATRONUS!
Girl in costume #2 (retaliates): CRUCIO!
Girl #1: WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
Girl #2: IMPERIUS!
Girl #1: EXPELLIARMUS (girl #2 accidentally drops her wand)
Guy friend of girl #1, with satisfaction: You dropped your wand, BITCH!

Look Behind You!

Random crazy dude (whispering alone to himself): Watch out for dementors. *watch out watch out what out expecto patronum expectro patronum*

Fine. The Most Gender Confused Gets To Sit In The Middle

Annoying girl: The most beautifullest girl gets to sit in the middle! And that's me! hahaha
Sarcastic guy: Oh, you still think you're a girl? that's cute. Not.